Sunday, May 31, 2009 Still Holding On, And Waiting.
Seconds hours so many days You know what you want but how long can you wait Every moment last forever if you feel you’ve lost your way What if your chances are already gone Started believing that I could be wrong But you give me one good reason to fight and never walk away
Cuz here I am, still holding on
Every step you climb another mountain Every breathe its harder to believe
You’ll make it through the pain (or through all your aches and pains) Weather the hurricane To get to that one thing
When you think the road is going nowhere Just when you’ve almost gave up on your dreams Then take it by the hand and show you that you can
You can go higher You can go deeper There are no boundaries Above and beneath you Break every rule cuz there’s nothing between you and your dreams ____________________________________________
Dear Diary,
Chalet at Sentosa with everyone is great. Spent some quality time with Haider. Went swimming, drank and got bit tipsy(not drunk!) at night, slept for few hours.
:D
I miss him now ):
Pictures are still in the memory card. Will upload soon once I got to use MY laptop.
PS : I'm so looking forward for F1 Grid Girls next year! Too bad I'm not 16, yet. Urgh.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009 TwentySeven.
Oh God, Please send me someone kind and faithful to love.
Time seems to pass by even faster. Today's the 49th-supposed-to-be-monthsarry. Nothing much actually. We're not together anyway. Just something I've been following up ever since..
My mind's blank now.
Monday, May 25, 2009 You're killing me, inside out.
Everything you said, was just a lie to keep me waiting for you. I should have known earlier. All the hurt I got, was for nothing. Just to satisfy you, I guess. Well I hope you're satisfied now.
Everything was just bullshits. I never met someone so heartless.
What am I to do When my heart says leave But my feet won't move
I'm feeling really unappreciated. Your taking my love for granted, babe. and I don't know how much more, I can take from you. You don't do the things you use to do. You don't even say I love you too. And lately I've been feeling, Feeling unappreciated.
when I first met you I thought you was the most perfect man That I ever seen I still don't understand why You treat me like you do I use to give into your lies But now I see the truth Oh no I don't want to hear it I'm through Yea I know I'll still be missing you But it's not worth the pain That I've gained from you You make me feel Unappreciated
Friday, May 22, 2009 Moody Moody, Boring Boring.
Today was abit.. of roller coaster. Wouldn't want to elaborate that much. But thanks to the weather, my mood was bit.. off.
Farhanah & Nas really made my day today. I laughed my ass of and hurt my throat badly. I don't need a laughing gas if I have them around. Cuz they're my personal brand of laughing gas. \
Wednesday, May 20, 2009 Whole.
Pardon for the lack of update.
The bond between me & the girls are getting more tighter And I love the way it feels. They're like part of me. The Seven of them, Mira, Hc, Ph, Val, Fiona, Michelle & Ros. Eventhough I might not be close with everyone, you guys have been a great friend to me. Thank you.
Feat : Mira, Fiona, Michelle, Val and me! :D
And I really love spending my time with Haider. I'd love to meet him everyday, without fail, if its possible cuz I never did get tired of him. He have been making me happy, sort off. And the love for him is forever growing. I love you, Haider. You're the other half. And you make me whole.
Its all complete now. Almost, actually. But considering it complete. I have a wonderful family, wonderful friends & someone to share my everything with, my companion in life, sort off.
To answer anyone's doubt, I'm still single. Only thing is, not available.
Sorry babies, I love him. And I'm positive it will never change. Random note : Syed azmir really reminds me of Zakee! The guy whom I used to admire, adore. But long gone now. His appearance, voice, facial expressions, EVERYTHING reminds me of him. )=
Wednesday, May 13, 2009 Lost & Insecure. (Heart)
In this long, windy, dark road, I yearn for you. I crave for your existence. I need you, to guide me, brighten up my life, fill it with beautiful colours and assure me that everything is alright & I'm not alone, facing this.
I ran and ran, searching for you, ignoring my fatigues. Cuz I thought its worth it. And I still believe you're out there, somewhere. I hear voices, telling me to give up, saying its useless. But no! I'm still reluctant to give up, to leave. That's my stubbornness for you.
How many times I slipped and fall, having bruises all over. But that won't make me give up. I saw you, on and off. But when I came close, you weren't there. Maybe it was just hallucinations.
I won't give up. Even if I did, I would return again... just like what I'm doing now. I just can't let you go.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009 A dream.
Gliding down the beautiful meadow, listening to the chirping of the birds, breathing in the aromatic smell of the flowers. Appreciating everything there, at that moment. Then, waking up to only find out it was all just a dream. A dream you never wanna wake up from. Knowing that the reality is far beyond fantasy.
Well, thats just how life works. You can only afford to dream the fantasy but face the reality. There are not any other options, is there?
Monday, May 11, 2009 Silence is golden, Ignorance is bliss.
The sun sets in leaving you with the night to endure.
Life haven't been smooth sailing for me. More of a roller coaster. Ups and downs. Slowly, I'm falling, grabbing anything I could to pull myself up again. No one did offered me a hand or gave me some encouragement.
I wonder how much longer can I stay like this. Am I strong enough or just vulnerable & fragile?
I'm getting more and more fatigue, holding on like this. Give me some credits, at least. Why are you even doing this to me? Is it cuz you enjoyed doing this and it had recently become your hobby, lying to girls, giving them hopes? If yes, I'd like to congratulate you for being a failure in trynna be a Casanova. You're not capable of being one. Honestly, you're not even good in lying. Sorry, but I'm just stating the fact.
Can you at least spare some thoughts for others and be sure of yourself, your decisions? You can't afford to have all the girls in the world. Stop lying, you'll just end up hurting the people around you. You might end up losing everyone. But no worries, I'll still stay. I hope you realize what you're doing very soon.
Thursday, May 07, 2009 Everythings falls apart, killing me slowly.
To think I know nothing. Till when can I finally take this mask out and stop pretending? Its so hard to blurt it all out knowing what the outcome would be. Wouldn't want to lose either. This is killing me.I have to fall so hard to lose it all. Yet you're just enjoying watching all the pain & torture I had to go through. Suffering alone. You were not there to tell me that everything is alright. You did not console me. The pain I had to endure. The suffocation due to the mask I put on.How many hearts I broke just to stick with you. I can't imagine it. Its haunting me.
Still, I don't regret. What for regretting. Regretting can't bring the old you back.I would pay just any price to have the old you again. But I doubt its priceless. Even if I write you a thousand words essay, confessing my feelings, even if I ran away from home just to stay with you, even if I die, you wouldn't change. I know.
My heart literally broke into pieces. I could feel the ache as it shredded to million million pieces.
I'm picking up all the pieces slowly, patching everything up with scotch tape while looking at you enjoying it. You told me not to hurt you in the future. But I should be the one saying that to you. You know what you've been doing and I know it, too. Don't ask, cuz I won't say it out no matter whats the price is.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009 H. You have my heart, darling.
I've put my trust in you. Pushed as far as I can go.
You're the drug I need in life. Strong & addictive. What I need to survive. Healthy drug. Like a medicine, maybe. But very addictive. I wouldn't want to lose you to another cuz how can I survive after? I can be as selfish as I can be. But holding you a lil bit too tightly might result in slipping you like holding a wet soap which would eventually slips out of your hand if you clutch it in a wrong way. I don't wanna lose you. Not again.
No matter how far apart the distance is between us, like the sun and the Earth or the Mercury and Neptune, we will always be close at heart.
Don't mock me, darling. I'll convince you that I love you.
__________________________
Dear diary,
Maybe typing everything that happened when I went to KL is a bit redundant. But sharing briefly wouldn't hurt, right?
Well, I had a good 4 days 3 nights, there. I thought I wouldn't survive. Surprisingly I did. The actual reason I went there is to attend my cousin's nuptials. It was the first time I attend a wedding at Malaysia. The environment was pretty much different. Dad & I planned my wedding ahead. I thought of an idea of having a variety of dishes/desserts/snacks from a range of cultures. Chinese cuisine, Malay delights, Indian snacks, Western etc etc. For the drinks, it would be ranging from vodka to wine. KIDDING! Haha, but yeah. Thats what we planned. I know, too early. But I wonder how my wedding would look like and who would be the one sitting next to me on the bridal dais.
Okay, back to the story. And trust me, it was the first time karaoke. We spent quality time together. I enjoyed it pretty much. It have been quite some time since I had real fun with them. I miss the old times really. When I was still a kid.
Tuesday, May 05, 2009 FOR YOU, BITCH.
You know nothing so just shut your bloody-mouth-full-with-cums up. :) Try putting yourself in my shoes, bitch. You just got no idea. So just stop making me laugh out so loud. I just might hyperventilate, any moments now. Oh no, then I'll be putting the blame on you. Hehe! Say what you want to say. Cuz I don't care. You're just clueless, anyway. You don't know me, and I don't even know you well too. The previous was just a prejudgement - from what I see. Why should I be rude to a stranger? Just not me. I might cussed you under my breath, but doesn't mean I have to be rude to you. Cuz I ain't that girl. Unlike you, I don't like to pick an unnecessary fight just cuz of something so small. So not mature. But I know my act isn't mature at all either,to cuss you here. But I got over with it, slowly. Well, no rules stated I can't view your blog. Your blog is open to all anyway. Isn't that true? Well, imagine yourself in my shoes. If you love someone so deeply, wouldn't you feel a bit of jealousy when a girl calls him and texts him, calling him bby and so on? Unless, you never felt it before. But if you love him so much, I'm sure you wouldn't want to lose him over another.
Ofcuz, it was an act of pure selfishness. That, I understand now. Took me awhile.Its just so wrong. I should let him do anything if that makes him happy.
So I've said my piece now.
___________________________
Pulled a mask on my face, pretending everything is okay when its absolutely not. It hurts, but what can I do?
Monday, May 04, 2009 I love you, Haider.
Jealousy, is an emotion you can't control no matter how hard you tried. Sometimes, jealousy can make you quarrel with someone close and you might even lose him or her.
I'm doing my best to be understanding. But sometimes, jealousy just overtakes me. Makes me lose control.
I'm jealous cuz I love you. And at times, I'm just so scared to lose you to another. Call me selfish, I know I am. Cuz I want you all to myself. But I know I shouldn't do that cuz its so wrong. You still have your life. I have to give you space, I know.
One thing you need to keep in mind is that you're the only one I need other than family. You're part of me, part of my life, part of my soul. I love you. Just you. Imma stickwitu. Cuz you're the air I breathe. Just like a drug to me, I'm very much addicted to you. And you're all I could ever think of, put aside everything else. I spent countless nights, dreaming bout you. Countless days, thinking of you.
I'm not asking anything much in return. I just want you to be sincere in anything you wanna give. Take love as an example.
Sunday, May 03, 2009 Don't play.
Sincerely I'm saying, You're the one I love, You're the one I adore. Eventhough I can't own you.
Hoping to let it out, maybe one day, Your heart will open. Finally you will be willing to accept me back. / I don't wanna know If your playin me, keep it on the low Cause my heart can't take it anymore And if your creepin, please don't let it show
_____________________________
Dear Diary,
I'm back from KL, like finally. Maybe I'll update a good post tomorrow. Damn it, I missed S factor ): Watching Twilight now.
